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Dar es Salaam, Tanzania – May 27, 2025

In an unexpected twist that has sent shockwaves through Tanzania’s financial sector, the country’s leading lender, NMB Bank, has approved a record-breaking TSh 200 billion payout—straight into its own executive bonus pool.

At a press conference attended by one confused intern and two slightly interested pigeons, NMB’s CEO, Mr. Lucas Woga, declared, “This year’s profits were so impressive, we felt compelled to reward the hardworking people behind them—ourselves.”

On another note

The move comes after a year of skyrocketing interest rates, aggressive mobile banking fees, and a new charge for simply glancing at your account balance. Customers have voiced concern, but as one bank representative clarified, “We did conduct a satisfaction survey. We just didn’t read the results.”

Meanwhile, the bank's shareholders are ecstatic. One anonymous shareholder stated, “I haven’t been this excited since we started charging for paper statements and added a silent fee for logging in too often.”

Critics, however, say the payout reveals the growing disconnect between major financial institutions and the average Tanzanian citizen. The Consumer Rights Union (CRU) has issued a statement, calling the decision “the financial equivalent of eating ugali in front of a starving village.”

To cushion the backlash, NMB announced it will be rolling out a new “Pamoja Savings Account,” which rewards users with up to 0.02% annual interest—if they don’t withdraw money for 12 years and maintain a minimum balance equal to the GDP of Zanzibar.

In related news, executives were seen leaving the bank headquarters in new imported SUVs. “We’re just reinvesting in the economy,” said one board member, as he accelerated past a boda-boda stand.